sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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