If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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