if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I wear drunk well.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
