I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
