Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
