Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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