We're facebook friends in real life
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
