I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
