I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
