Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
