fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
