It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
