like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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