So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
