why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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