If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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