i think i have two assholes
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He felt like a one man threesome
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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