It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
