someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
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The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
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I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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