plz talk dirty to me
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Randomize
