so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
