considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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