He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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