my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
