my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
