: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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