actually, I'm a sock model
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
