I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.