Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
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She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
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WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.