I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
