my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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