Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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