Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
