Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
