Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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