Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
