if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
