my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
