He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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