Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
