ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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