Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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