Only a mothe r could love this liver
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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