I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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