woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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