Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
