Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
