oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
