He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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