it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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