Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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