Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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