I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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