it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
