Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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