i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
