i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
