So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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